The strongest section by post count. Pew-tested, deacon-approved.
Senior Adult Takes “Need Help To Your Car?” As a Personal Attack
Melbourne, FL: “Sometimes you just have to show people who you are,” said James Wilson, 73, after a spritely Publix clerk cheerfully asked if he needed help carrying his groceries to the car.
AA Announces New “One Sip At A Time” Recovery Strategy
Melbourne, FL: Friends say it usually takes years of discipline, counseling, and personal growth to overcome a drinking problem. But for one local man, recovery reportedly happened in under ten minutes after an Alcoholic...
AA Announces New “One Sip At A Time” Recovery Strategy
Melbourne, FL: Friends say it usually takes years of discipline, counseling, and personal growth to overcome a drinking problem. But for one local man, recovery reportedly happened in under ten minutes after an Alcoholic...
Laundry Secret Makes Husband Ask, “What Else Haven’t You Told Me?
For ten years, Mark believed laundry detergent came in exactly two categories: “blue stuff” and “whatever his wife bought.” That changed Tuesday when he accidentally discovered scented laundry beads labeled “Calm Lavende...
God Asks Peter To Make the Bible More Pronoun-Friendly
Heaven — Speaking privately with Peter, God reportedly sighed and said, “Pete, apparently we dropped the ball on this gender thing. According to San Francisco, we’re short about 137. Find a few IT guys up here and update...
Historian Accused Of World War 3–11 Denialism
New Haven, CT: In what critics are calling academia’s latest overcorrection, Yale’s Board of Regents rescinded a tenured professor’s PhD in world history after discovering his dissertation failed to mention the entirely ...
Trump Acquires Canada, Makes “O Canada” Official Song of the NHL
Washington, D.C.: By executive order, President Trump authorized what aides are calling the “Second Louisiana Purchase,” officially acquiring Canada, making it the 51st state, and rebranding it as “Ameri-Can.”
Joe Asks Jill To Slow Down During Intense ‘Red Fish’ Sequence
Washington, D.C.: A firm believer in the KISS principle (“Keep It Simple, Sweetheart”), Jill Biden tucked Joe in and reached for his favorite bedtime thriller, One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish. “This one really keeps...
Bored World Cup Viewer Chooses Root Canal For Entertainment
Bored nearly to tears after attempting to watch the World Cup, local man Kevin Harper decided that performing his own dental work somehow felt like the less painful option. Wearing cartoon dinosaur pajamas and staring bl...
After 2,000 Years, Apostle John Thinks He Finally Gets Revelation
Patmos, Greece: After years of isolation on the rocky island of Patmos, armed with little more than visions, parchment, and painfully unreliable Wi-Fi, the Apostle John continued pondering the cryptic message Jesus had h...
Isaac Suddenly Too Busy For Father-Son Walk
When Abraham casually asked Isaac if he wanted to go for a walk, Isaac suddenly became very interested in academic responsibility.
Local Woman Trapped In Roundabout Begins New Life There
Viera, FL: After entering the Viera Traffic Circle of Death Tuesday morning and failing to locate an exit, local woman Denise Harper reportedly began “adjusting to her new reality,” ordering DoorDash to avoid starvation ...
First-Time Church Visitor Assumes Worship Band Takes Requests
Orlando, FL — A first-time visitor to Calvary Chapel reportedly spent the opening worship set convinced he had accidentally wandered into a live concert, prompting him to stand, switch on his iPhone flashlight, and wave ...
Pastor Confirms Man Has The Gift of Confusion, Not Tongues
Tallahassee, FL: “I’m not saying you don’t have the gift of tongues,” the pastor said patiently. “What I am saying is that shouting ‘Hey Macarena’ during my sermon—during the prayer, I might add—doesn’t qualify.”
Church Offers Class To Teach White Men How To Clap On Beat
Hilton Head, SC — The worship leader at 12th Baptist Church said he had long suspected something in Sunday worship felt spiritually… off.
Gym Revokes Man-Card After Barry Manilow Incident
Melbourne, FL— A local man was forcibly escorted from a gym weight room Tuesday after witnesses reported hearing him passionately sing Barry Manilow between sets of dumbbell curls, prompting management to immediately rev...
Conservative Amazed The View Apparently Has 9 Viewers
According to unofficial estimates, all nine people who still watch The View were reportedly devastated to learn of Joy Behar’s hiatus, though producers confirmed that the entire audience could still fit comfortably in a ...
Middle-Aged Governor Dominates Girls’ High School Track Meet
At the post-race ceremony, Gavin graciously thanked “all the birthing persons who made this historic moment possible” while posing beside the confused teenage runners he bested, who were trying to determine whether they ...
Church Offers New Seminar: How to Recognize Mansplaining
Pastor Mark thought he was being helpful. During Wednesday night women’s Bible study, he reportedly stopped by to offer a brief explanation of “mansplaining,” which he described as “when a man patiently explains somethin...
Cardinals Alarmed After God Enters Group Chat
A hush fell over the Vatican chamber as the senior cardinals stared at the glowing phone, its heavenly brightness reflecting off their gold crosses and startled faces. The senior cardinal adjusted his glasses, looked aro...
Governor Earns Pre-K Civics Diploma, Announces He May Now Be Read
ST. PAUL, MN — Fresh off completing the educational equivalent of learning which crayon tastes least dangerous, Governor Tim Walz earned a prestigious Pre-K Diploma in Civics from one of Minnesota’s more “creatively inte...
U.S. Men's Soccer Announces New Rules To Get Americans To Watch
After several polls of U.S. residents, the United States Soccer Federation announced major rule changes for the 2026 Cup.
Judas Dines & Dashes From the Last Supper
The waiter had just left when Bartholomew sighed and said, “Just once, I’d like to go someplace that serves something besides fish.”
Subscribe so you don't miss tomorrow's lies.
One email, every morning, two-by-two. Real-sounding headlines, zero real news. Unsubscribe whenever the waters recede.