Monday, June 1, 2026No. 1,247 · Final Flood Edition
Forecast: 40 days & 40 nights · 71°
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“Fake News, Two-by-Two”
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Newswire
  • POLLING — 78% of respondents say they didn't hear the question
  • WEATHER — Local forecaster admits he's "just guessing now"
  • SPORTS — Coach reportedly "very pleased" with the loss
  • OBITUARY — Local nap, age 22 minutes, peacefully
  • BREAKING — Man in cargo shorts asks where the coffee is
  • MARKETS — Mood "cautiously optimistic," same as yesterday
  • POLLING — 78% of respondents say they didn't hear the question
  • WEATHER — Local forecaster admits he's "just guessing now"
  • SPORTS — Coach reportedly "very pleased" with the loss
  • OBITUARY — Local nap, age 22 minutes, peacefully
  • BREAKING — Man in cargo shorts asks where the coffee is
  • MARKETS — Mood "cautiously optimistic," same as yesterday
SatireChristian satire

U.S. Men's Soccer Announces New Rules To Get Americans To Watch

After several polls of U.S. residents, the United States Soccer Federation announced major rule changes for the 2026 Cup.

U.S. Men's Soccer Announces New Rules To Get  Americans To Watch
FILE PHOTOU.S. Men's Soccer Announces New Rules To Get Americans To Watch. (The NOAH Post / Stock)

After several polls of U.S. residents, the United States Soccer Federation announced major rule changes for the 2026 Cup.

ESPN spoke with U.S. Soccer’s Chief Marketing Officer about the sudden changes so close to the tournament.

“Frankly, Americans don’t watch soccer because nobody scores,” he explained. “Our research showed most Americans would rather watch synchronized swimming, competitive axe throwing, or Congress.”

He continued, “Americans like sports where points happen regularly. A final score of 1-0 feels less like a sporting event and more like a printer test page.”

According to the Federation, this year’s Cup will feature:

  • Two balls in play at all times
  • Nets twice as large
  • Penalty kicks are awarded every seven minutes
  • Random power plays
  • The word “nil” is officially banned
  • Officials also confirmed that if a match remains scoreless for more than 20 minutes, one midfielder from each team will be replaced by an NFL linebacker. Games ending 0-0 will automatically be classified as baseball..

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