Middle-Aged Governor Dominates Girls’ High School Track Meet

At the post-race ceremony, Gavin graciously thanked “all the birthing persons who made this historic moment possible” while posing beside the confused teenage runners he bested, who were trying to determine whether they had competed in a track meet or an advanced DEI seminar.

Asked what came after he left office, he reportedly said that women’s swimming looked “surprisingly achievable.”

One middle-aged dad in the crowd muttered, “If we’d known simply identifying differently got you this close to the girls’ locker room in high school, the boys’ locker room would’ve been a ghost town.”