Monday, June 1, 2026No. 1,247 · Final Flood Edition
Forecast: 40 days & 40 nights · 71°
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“Fake News, Two-by-Two”
America's Ark of Record

Newswire
  • POLLING — 78% of respondents say they didn't hear the question
  • WEATHER — Local forecaster admits he's "just guessing now"
  • SPORTS — Coach reportedly "very pleased" with the loss
  • OBITUARY — Local nap, age 22 minutes, peacefully
  • BREAKING — Man in cargo shorts asks where the coffee is
  • MARKETS — Mood "cautiously optimistic," same as yesterday
  • POLLING — 78% of respondents say they didn't hear the question
  • WEATHER — Local forecaster admits he's "just guessing now"
  • SPORTS — Coach reportedly "very pleased" with the loss
  • OBITUARY — Local nap, age 22 minutes, peacefully
  • BREAKING — Man in cargo shorts asks where the coffee is
  • MARKETS — Mood "cautiously optimistic," same as yesterday
SatireChristian satire

Church Offers Class To Teach White Men How To Clap On Beat

Hilton Head, SC — The worship leader at 12th Baptist Church said he had long suspected something in Sunday worship felt spiritually… off.

Church Offers Class To Teach White Men How To Clap On Beat
FILE PHOTOChurch Offers Class To Teach White Men How To Clap On Beat. (The NOAH Post / Stock)

Hilton Head, SC — The worship leader at 12th Baptist Church said he had long suspected something in Sunday worship felt spiritually… off.

“The songs are great, the band is locked in, and people seem engaged,” he explained. “But somehow the room still feels like rhythm is under spiritual attack.”

His wife finally said what no one else would. “Honey, the men around me clap like they’ve been unexpectedly tased,” she said. “Half of them are on beat, half are fighting for survival, and one man appears to be clapping to a song only he can hear.”

After reviewing livestream footage and witnessing what one elder described as “rhythmic lawlessness,” the worship leader reportedly felt led to launch a new men’s ministry: Clapping In Time For Christ.

Registration filled quickly after church leaders admitted several men had been “free-styling applause” since 1997.

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