Nuclear War Threats Count As ‘Pre-Existing Conditions’
At a solemn meeting in Tehran, an exhausted Allstate representative reportedly delivered difficult news to Iran’s grand poobahs: their life insurance policies were being canceled effective immediately.
At a solemn meeting in Tehran, an exhausted Allstate representative reportedly delivered difficult news to Iran’s grand poobahs: their life insurance policies were being canceled effective immediately.
“At Allstate, we pride ourselves on protecting families from life’s uncertainties,” he began, nervously adjusting his tie. “However, after a careful actuarial review, we regret to inform you that repeatedly chanting ‘Death to America,’ funding regional chaos, and occasionally threatening global annihilation has moved you into what our underwriters call a high-risk demographic.”
He reportedly explained that Allstate’s life insurance products are designed to help families manage unexpected loss and provide financial stability for loved ones, not cover “extreme geopolitical lifestyle choices.”
The salesman allegedly concluded, “You’re still in good hands… just not actuarially sound ones,” before quietly sliding a pamphlet across the table titled How to Lower Your Premiums by Avoiding International Incidents.
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